Happy Halloween!

Artists in this montage: Olivia de Berardinis, Anthony Guerra & Gil Elvgren

Friendly advice...

Yesterday a friend gave me some advice to help me with a part of my thesis - it requires some complex modeling that is a little out of my area of expertise, so now I learning how to use R at his suggestion.

R is an open source software that is fantastic for many different types of statistical analysis that involve large datasets and models. Unfortunately, I am having to learn some new languages (yup, it's like learning how to code a website) and figure out which modeling tools will be most useful for my data.

Now I think that friendly advice may have been loaded - in the long run it will get me to where I need to go but at the moment I am buried in information that I can hardly manage and yet again I am going to take a big climb up a steep learning curve and try to accomplish it win a matter of weeks.

My goal is to finish this data and a manuscript by the end of November ... lets see how I do!

Pin up of the week - 43

Vargas

Magic kitty in a cubby hole

I found another craft blog with an etsy store that has some pretty cute jewelry! You will have to have grown up in the 80's with a love for the Kawai to appreciate Cubby Hole, with all of the bows, polka dots and fun characters we know an love, like Hello Kitty and Super Mario Mushroom:

My life was ruined when I moved here

Yeah, I know it is a little severe. When I moved to this small town I thought that I'd escape big city life. I'd escape my fast-paced life, all of the big parties and the big people with their big lifestyles that were beginning to run me ragged.

All of my life things had come easy. I could stay out all night and party, go to school the next day, never study, do my work during class and still get straight As. Yep - I was that girl.

Then, right before I came here, I began to fail at things for the first time - ever. I failed at my first full-time permanent job. I blame the drugs for that. It took me a long time, but I quit the drugs. I have never looked back - kids, drugs are bad. Then when I went back to school I failed at that, too. I blamed that on the death of my half-brother and the sad state of my personal/family life. There were a lot of people leaning on me then and I had a hard time focusing - right?

Then I had a good teacher give me a reality check. She said "Bobbie Dawn, things have always come easy to you. You have never had to try hard to do anything. The reason you have failed at these things is because you were challenged to try harder and you did not know how. You simply do not know how to try hard. You can't blame anyone but yourself."

Do you know how it feels when someone has told you something you should have been told a long time ago, and it is soooo true, but it hurts so much and you just don't what to do...? I just started bawling my eyes out. I don't know ho long I cried for either. I think that it may have lasted for a couple of days. Seriously - I was such an idiot and I had know idea what to do about it. I couldn't believe that I had spent my whole life being so smart and dumb at the same time. I had so much potential, and I could have learned how to use it, but instead I wasted my time riding it like a surf board!

Anyhow, when the shame wore off, I decided to start fresh. I would go to a new place, start at a new school and keep a safe distance from family and friends. I chose a small town that was only about an hour away from home. The town has a small university and a small river with lots of churches. From my naive perspective this town looked like a perfect place to go and focus without the distractions of the big city, but close enough to home that I could get back when I needed to have fun.

So I moved, cleaned up my act (and my bloodstream) and within a few weeks I was focusing all my energy on work. I seriously loved it. I had never known how much work I could actually get done when I worked that hard. I was beginning to see what was possible and a new type of self-esteem was beginning to grow in me - the sort that a woman of age 24 should be experiencing when she pictures herself and how she might fit into the world and might even try to affect it. I had dreams of my future! Little did I know that there was something ugly looming in the hallways of my future...

That something was female bullying. I had never experienced it fully until I arrived at graduate school, and it seems to be super-intense when you are in a small town. I should clarify, I live in a populace with 70,000 people. In Canada that is considered a city, but I consider it a town. There are, however, many people that come to my university from smaller towns and they consider this place a massive city. This is likely when my problems here began. I am a minority because I just don't understand the mind of the small-towner. These people are not friendly and sweet they way look from the viewing of a Norman Rockwell painting. Nope. It's more like a horror movie. No-one talks to you if you are an "outsider" even though everyone is staring at you, and you will be reminded constantly that you don't belong.

So imagine a whole bunch of girls - like from the movie mean girls, except they are in their 20's and in graduate school, therefore they were never that attractive, fashionable or rich, and they grew up in the country. Now put them in front of me. I just didn't belong.

It has taken me seven years to realize that nothing is scarier that a bunch of mean girls. My school seems to incubate them like an infested womb. I know that I can go on in life and ignore them, and still work hard on my research (that is what I do and can never change) but it is worth telling you that I have had to switch supervisors because of female bullying (his wife did things to me that would get her fired in any normal workplace), and which has totally affected my thesis.

I have had little interaction with other graduate students at my school for years - and I always thought that part of the point of graduate school was to have good intellectual discussion with other, like-minded individuals. At my school, the point of graduate school is to go out and drink massive amounts of alcohol (and do drugs) with a bunch of like minded individuals. Sometimes people talk about their projects. Rarely people talk theory. When people talk theory it is really elementary. I am surprised these people have undergraduate degrees.

Now I realize that my PhD is rather worthless because I chose a small school in the country without the reputation of a big city school, and in doing so I lost the opportunities I would have had to make some decent friendships and even worse, I believe I have ruined my academic career as well. My reasoning for this is that, at least at my school, the standard for excellence does not seem to be high, it is medium, and therefore the expectations on the faculty and students is only medium and therefore my experience has not been great. I wanted to be challenged and learn to excel at my full potential. I think I have learned, by many examples, how not to supervise, how not to run a lab, and overall who I don't want to be. My positive examples are few and far between and I have yet to be given an experience that really keeps me going into the night for days with its difficulty (with the notable exception of Ray March's Mass Spectrometry discussions, assignments and questions, after he got through with me I am now my own expert - thanks Ray).

Well, that about covers my feelings on this subject. I wish it were different. I am working my butt off so I can finish by May and move back home. Then I will apply for post-doctoral scholarships and positions, but I will be concentrating on large and notable schools/labs. I want the work and the experience.

Pin up of the week - 42

Olivia de Berardinis

Sorry I was late for this one, life got a little ahead of me this week!

My relationship

Hi Everyone,

You may or may not know, but I have the greatest relationship ever. We met 11 years ago. We were both really young, and full of untethered emotions. He is three years younger than me - but at that age, it seemed like really big deal (although looking back, somehow he was the smarter one with a better hold on his feelings and perspective on how things payed out).

We had passion. I could hardly look at him without all of the logic leaving my body. We could fight like nothing else. I wanted to be with him all of time. I would get jealous over nothing. Do you see what I mean? Too much emotion, too much youth, no experience.

BUT, we both could never leave each-other. We were always friends. We always thought about each other. We always remembered how special the other was.

Now, older and wiser, with time to understand the benefits of logic, we are together again and it works. We still have passion, but now we laugh, we talk, we plan, we enjoy, we take our time. We are happy. We work through problems by caring about each other and finding solutions that work for both of us. I am secure. Even better, I am looking forward to having a family and spending my life with this person.

Nobel Prize in Chemistry: GFP

Does anyone know what GFP is?

GFP is an acronym for Green Fluorescent Protein, a glowing jellyfish protein that was isolated and developed by three scientists for use in biochemistry as a marker to view important chemical reactions. These three scientists have been honored for their landmark work with a Nobel Prize!

Why is this important to me? Well firstly, I am always interested in Nobel recipients. Secondly. chemists always joke about how their work is never likely to win them a prize. Most scientists are rather humble. I'll bet these three scientists saw all the potential of their work in the beginning of their research, but never figured anyone else would! Maybe they figured they would get a patent out of it, and therefore some money ... but I'll bet they never bargained on a nobel prize?!? In fact, the three didn't actually work together, and the story goes like this:

In 1962 organic chemist Osamu Shimomura identified the form and function of the remarkably bright protein that gives the jellyfish Aequorea Victoria its eerie, yet beautiful glow. His discovery has since become one of the most important tools used in modern biological sciences. It allows researchers to engineer cells and even whole organisms to express this fluorescent protein under specific physiological or chemical conditions. This then allows them to watch processes that were previously invisible, such as the development of nerve cells in the brain or the spread of cancer cells.

Martin Chalfie demonstrated how GFP could be used as a fluorescent genetic tag for various biological phenomena, having coloured six individual cells in the transparent roundworm Caenorhabditis elegans using GFP in his early experiments. Roger Tsien contributed to our general understanding of how GFP fluoresces and extended the colour palette available to biological researchers to allow them to label various proteins and cells with all the colours of the rainbow. This development allows scientists to track several different biological processes simultaneously.

Without the chemistry of GFP, post-genomic era scientists would lack the experimental tools giving them access to quantitative and experimentally well-defined monitoring at the molecular level of biochemical changes taking place within the cell and between cells in all living systems. The development of GFP was pioneered by the two scientists that share the 2008 Prize with Osamu Shimomura, Roger Tsien and Martin Chalfie.

source: www.spectroscopyNOW.com, Atomic Absorption, Glowing Nobel Prize, David Bradley

I am also excited because this is the sort of science that I hope to one day pioneer. I don't just do science, I like to create it, too. I am really into method development and I love using proteins, molecules and molcular biology to qualitatively and quantitatively understand the world around us. I have used GFP and I agree that this award is highly deserving. Congratulations!

Well that is that

Conservatives won a minority government. Status quo. The NDP managed to gain ground. YAY! I voted for the only person in my riding that could have defeated the incumbent conservative, but she still lost. booo.

This election was sucky, as usual. For the next couple of years these people are going to screw me up the ass. Oh well - at least I got to watch Allan Gregg talk on the CBC. He is smart.

voting day in Canada

My life is actually affected by things like elections. Most people don't vote around here. they get up and go to work and go home, eat, poop, watch tv, go to bed and then start the same cycle all over again the next day and feel that it makes no difference who runs their country. All my life I have felt different.

As a high school student I freaked out when a conservative was elected and destroyed our Public school system. I was 16 and couldn't vote. I had expectations that I would go to university and continue to grad school. I loved the education that I had. I felt well educated - I benefited from a gifted program for children with high IQs and then later an alternative high school where I could shape my own learning environment.

However when I heard that they were planning to remove and de-stream programs, and change the entire curriculum, I knew that kids were going to loose out on special benefits that Ontario had been giving. Not only that, the same conservative allowed the de-regulation of tuition. That meant that for the first time in decades the cost of tuition began to rise sharply.

Every year I have been in university I have had to pay increased tuition. Unless I had a full scholarship (which wasn't each year) I needed to get a government loan to go to school. I now owe many dollars. Additionally as I have been in graduate school and had the opportunity to teach students that were taught under the new curriculum I am strongly aware of how badly the "new" curriculum with it's de-streaming and restructuring has failed students. These students come to us unable to do what I was taught as "grade 10 math" and they cannot read out loud, compose sentences, or spell. It is frustrating for them and for us because we expect them to know these things and they don't understand why they got so far being told they were adequate and now we tell them they are not. There is a disconnect between society's expectations and what is being taught in Ontario's High Schools.

That is okay, because nowadays you will make more money if you don't waste your time in university, but become a trades person or work as a cashier at Costco. Why does the government in Canada take money away from "highly skilled personnel" as if we were trying to cap everyone's salaries except for the capitalists? This seems unfair? Doctors and Lawyers here are poor compared to in America. Same with professors. I know two professors that married to each other. They have only payed off there Canadian student loans 15 years after they got their tenure - they still have a mortgage on a modest house in a small town and car payments on a used car. Does this make anybody question why Canadians would bother getting an education?

Why yes. It makes me question why I have bothered. I love to cook - I would have been happier as a chef and I would have spent less money on my education. By now I would be working full time and I am certain I would be building home equity and have a family. If my government and the conservatives and liberals that have been elected over the past two decades cared more about education I would have less debt. I would feel optimistic that I might get a job when I finish my PhD that may pay me enough to give me a good start and allow me to catch up to my peers that never went to school, and I will be able to pay down my debt and buy a home.

In this economic climate I doubt it. If a politician ever thought long term enough to realize how an entire life cycle could be effected by their policy then perhaps they would understand. I vote because these people with their whims always touch my life. This time I hope I can at least get rid of the conservative because they always cause recessions and always fuck with the education system. It like they want us all dumb and poor.

Pin up of the week - 41

Michael Calandra

Canadian Thanksgiving long-weekend

Hi everyone,

I have been enjoying a really relaxing weekend with family and friends. I apologize if I haven't been keeping up with my posting, my emails and my Entrecard dropping. In addition to the roast turkey, duck and gluten-free pie that I have been devouring this weekend, I have also had a website design project to finish for a Jewelry business and I went to an awesome concert! It was a full weekend.

But don't worry. I have great pin-up of the week ready for you and she's coming later this evening. I would also like to let Sarah know, from beat black, and sabrina's charm from pixelgirlshop.com that I have been out all over Peterborough and Toronto sporting their fantastic, handmade, indie Jewelry and I get nothing but compliments. You guys are on the brink of fame, I am telling you!

Going home for the weekend only reminds me how much I miss it and makes me want to finish my PhD more badly than ever. Anyone out there who has ever felt that sense of urgency in a similar way so they can get back home to see their best friends children grow up and spend time with their family will understand how unimportant things like school and career can become when you watch the rest of your life pass you by.

On that note, it seems that I have been getting a lot of good energy from you guys because my thesis work went really well this week and I am certain that I am on track to finish this year, so I am going to keep working hard to finish! Cross your fingers for me that nothing goes wrong in the lab between now and then - I will definitely do the same for any of you that need support who are trying to get by in a strange place until you can get back home again.

To the Canadians, happy thanksgiving. To my other friends in the world, I hope that you enjoy the rest of your week!